(From the book The Conscious Courtship)
I wanted to extract some points from this book that I had noted down in my past journal. It does relate to the path of searching for a life partner—but it really does start with you and your self-awareness, so that you can realise what you value in a future partner.
And I think this is such an important part of the journey—not just knowing what you want in another person, but taking the time to understand yourself, your own values, desires, needs and the person you are becoming.
Sometimes, what we need to outgrow, we never really chose in the first place. We grew up with it- with the assumptions, expectations and encouragements of our families and communities- influencing who we are meant to be, what work and career or education we pursue and accomplish.
Maybe there was no room to wander and wonder. Maybe you grew up within a certain conditioned timeline, took on responsibilities that weren’t really yours to begin with, and there was simply no space to ask: Who am I, when I am not being useful to anyone or for someone?
If that question never got asked, it does not disappear. It waits. And it can come knocking later, often as restlessness, uncertainty, or that quiet feeling that something is missing.
But this does not mean something is wrong with you. Sometimes it is simply a question that was always yours, finally getting the space to be heard.
We are not finished people. We continue to grow, learn and reshape who we are throughout our lives. The self you committed to at a young age, or the self your family helped shape, is not it for your entire life. There comes a time where you can choose to revisit it with adult eyes and decide what still fits.
the in-between
One of the hardest parts of outgrowing who we have been is the space in between.
There can be a stretch of time where you no longer fit the old version of yourself, but you have not yet arrived at the new one. The old certainties have loosened, but the new ones have not yet formed.
You are standing in the doorway between two spaces.
This can be such an uncomfortable place to be because we naturally want to know who we are and where we are going. When that knowing becomes uncertain for a while, we can feel restless. We try to rush to an answer or grab onto something familiar simply to feel grounded again.
But what if the discomfort is not a sign that you have lost your way?
What if it is simply a sign that you are in the process of evolving and refining?
You cannot always move into a fuller life without spending some time in the doorway. The work is not necessarily to rush through it, but to allow yourself to stand there a little longer than feels comfortable and trust that the not-knowing is doing something.
Refining has a pace, and it is usually slower than we would like.
The old goals may stop lighting you up. Things that once felt right may no longer feel aligned. You may wonder if you have broken something that used to work.
But perhaps it is not breakage.
Perhaps it is simply the ordinary, disorienting space of a self in transition.
a spiritual mindset
This is where a spiritual mindset—or ‘heartset’—can become so important.
A spiritual mindset will exercise the qualities of the soul and keep the relationship with our Creator at the Core and Essence.
Patience, love, hope, joy, detachment and service are the spiritual qualities to call forth on the path of search—always having faith.
patience
- Elements of enthusiasm, awareness and openness.
- Do not be discouraged or anxious, as we don’t know what lessons we may still need to learn and self-develop through the process. This adds to our knowledge.
- We need to remember spiritual direction and recognise our soul’s longings. This point really emphasises clarity on maintaining our own anchor to Spiritual Truth along our path of search.
Being aware of our desires and what our soul wants brings much more clarity as to what not to repeat or what to be mindful of, so that you can truly communicate and be aware of capacities—not from a place of expectations, projections and control, but from a place of understanding, shared vision and mutual respect of desires and provisions.
And perhaps this is why the path of searching for a life partner really does begin with you.
Before we can truly know what we value in another person, we need to begin understanding what is truly ours. What have we taken on that is not ours? What have we chosen? What are we still carrying that no longer belongs to us? And what is our soul actually calling us towards?
There is also a gentleness that can come with this.
Instead of being ashamed of the parts of ourselves we are outgrowing, we can look back at them with compassion. That earlier version of you was not wrong. It got you here. It coped, it protected, it carried what needed carrying.
What once helped you survive may simply no longer be what helps you thrive.
You can thank it with love and still move forward.
And perhaps we do not need to know exactly who we are becoming yet. We can simply remain open to the question and allow ourselves the space to wander and wonder, to search, to learn and to listen.
Because this path is not about finding someone to complete you.
It is about becoming more conscious of who you are, what you value, what your soul longs for and how you want to live—and then allowing that awareness to guide the people and relationships you choose to invite into your life.
- Marriage and a relationship is a spiritual institution where our egos can learn to soften with awareness and presence and our souls can grow.
If something here brings curiousity to a reframe or a reassurance on your own path, you might find a discovery call a gentle next step. An open space to have a conversation about what is asking to be heard and see what flows for you at your own pace. You are welcome here, exactly as you are.